Lacking Confidence and Therapies

During my teaching profession, about 75% of parents came with issues and concerns about confidence lacking in their child. Considering the wellbeing of their child they came with various queries. Some of the most commonly asked questions were:

• Why my kid is lacking in confidence?
• What should I do?
• What are you doing?
• Why does my kid can’t compete or win?
• Why does my kid’s voice shiver or mute while talking to someone?

Well, it is not just a topic related to teenagers or kids. Lots of grown-ups face the same. But trust me! It’s neither late nor incurable. It can be dealt with, solved, and healed by focusing on some root causes, changing some attributes, and by some therapies. That you can do easily at home and any age.

Let’s go through step-by-step stages that help in treatment.

• Signs
• Root cause
• Cure and Therapy

Signs of Low Confidence:

It will be really easy if you observe vigilantly:

• If a person gets nervous
• Starts shivering
• Body temperature decreases with cold hands and feet.
• Starts avoiding eye contact.
• Instantly forgets everything.
• Starts crying, is emotional, or shows aggression.
• Fidgets fingers
• Coughing

Seeking the Root Cause:

It will be harsh to say, but “Facts are always bitter”. We are responsible for the child’s low self-esteem. Moreover, societal norms, demands of this era, parents’ wishes and dreams, and educationists’ expectations and behavior towards a child add fuel to the fire.

Let’s dig in deeper to learn more about all these causes,

Race Horse:

The main factor that leads to shattering the child’s confidence is making him/her a racehorse. This is done either directly or indirectly when too much pressure is exerted on a child which results in sudden crying or losing hope in minor situations or without any reason.

Parents demand their child to be the “one and only”, extraordinarily efficient, and clean sweep across all curricular or extracurricular competitions, games, and quizzes. Cherry on the top is the usage of comparison phrases like,

• Why you can’t do this? If your sibling can?
• Why you can’t understand these minor things? If your friends can?
• Why you can’t win? If your cousin?

Here I am going to quote an incident that I witnessed as an example. This incident provoked me to write on this topic.

A few days back, we had a speech competition at our school. The mother entered from the school entrance to pick up her child. Instead of greeting her child, hugging, or asking about her or her day’s progression, She instantly asked,” Have you been selected?” The girl lowered her gaze with embarrassment. Her mother admonished the child cruelly and bitterly and with a strict face she said, “Can you do anything?”

Even though she lowered her voice while saying those words, isn’t that destructive? The damage to the child’s self-esteem proved destructive. In front of her peers and teachers, she reduced her daughter to an incapable individual.

Ideal, Flawless, Faultless:

Seeking perfectionism in children! Yes, an illogical dream to set children on a pedestal causes more harm than good. It is the expectations set by the elders. These expectations create a suffocative environment by projecting unrealistic goals with no chance of human error. This is a direct outcome due to the following reasons

Scolding:

Excessive scolding leads to low-hanging head posture, the feeling of insecurity, or mumbling. Thus creating a fear of always being wrong.

Frequent Time-out/ Grounding Phase:

Punishing a lot leads to low self-esteem. Frequent punishment gives birth to destructive thoughts like, “I am worthless, nobody is at my side, no one will hear me out or believe me. I am all alone in this world.”

Laughing/making fun:

Sometimes a child speaks wrong, misspells or pronounces the word wrong, or expresses his emotions through strange drawings or actions. Instead of encouragement or understanding the elders start to make fun or laugh, ridiculing the child. It means they are indirectly snatching the power of taking risks or trying new ideas. Killing the daring attitude forever.

Quoting own experiences of life:

It has been noticed, that at a certain age, the elders start quoting their past experiences. Instead of kindly pointing out the mistakes or appreciating the kid, they project themselves as a “Superhero” in the past. These pressing experiences of following a certain route to success create an irritated attitude in kids. This is attributed to aggression through yelling, breaking toys, or bullying someone of less strength or power.

Example: siblings or pets.

Toxic Home Environment:

Parental relationships play a key role in building a child’s personality. Random daily fights over minute issues and abusive attitudes towards each other create an inflexible environment that leads to the child’s losing trust, being lonely, or creating hideouts.

In such cases, they avoid friends and face trust issues. The child creates a protective shell that bars the yelling discussions of their parents. As per psychology, such kids hate when their parents are in love or a friendly mode. They expect the same daily behavior from them and feel comfortable in an abusive environment.

Low Self-esteem:

All the above-discussed reasons result in low self-esteem. It’s the behavior where a child surrenders in front of his life’s hurdles, aims, wishes, and goals. Identifies himself as a worthless, looser, and unwanted person.

Every Dead End is a New Start:

“Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I’m Possible.”

- Audrey Hepburn -

Yes, every dead end is a new start, a ray of light, a way to go, a hope. Chin up, because we are moving towards a great start. Here are the effective solutions:

• Mirror Therapy
• Brainwashing
• Hugs and condolence
• Secret friend
• Discussion

Let’s go through them one by one along with the procedure. How would it be done? Why? And What are the benefits of doing them?

Mirror Therapy:

The mirror therapy is the most effective tried, and tested therapy among my students. That shows promising results in a month and significant changes are observed. This therapy will heal the child, give him confidence, strengthen his speaking power, and boost his self-esteem to face the world.

Let your child stand in front of the mirror daily, starting from 3–5 minutes. Give him a pencil or a body spray as a mic and ask him to host his show while imagining an audience in the mirror. Tell them, how was your day?

During this time, nobody will be around him or correct his mistake. Let him speak of his hesitation and then frustration. By doing this, you provide him with “Freedom of Speech” and motivate him to take risks or make mistakes. You are providing the child with a secure environment where we make mistakes to learn new things.

It is observed that when you stand in front of the mirror. It’s hard to maintain eye contact while talking as you are distracted by your appearance and lose the thoughts in your mind. While practicing daily, you will learn to maintain eye contact with others and how to share your thoughts fluently and freely.

Brain Washing:

To do this session parents need to end their self-centered behavior. This must be the practice of the parents whenever the child comes to say something.

Immediately, leave your chores, turn around, and listen with all your attention on him. If standing, kneel to the height of a child to make eye contact. It’s a great gesture of a parent to the child ensuring their security, the importance of their words, their worth, and the treatment of honor and respect.

Moreover, practice saying affirmations to the child daily such as:

• You are the best
• You are smart/ beautiful
• I trust you
• You are right.
• You can do it.
• Mistakes happen, doesn’t matter
• I love you.

In the East, the bitter fact of society is mostly parents rarely display affection or communicate properly. This method depicts a wrong state of mind, “ Every relationship needs words to prove the love.”

Hugs and Condolence:

Hug your child daily in the morning and before going to bed. After his/ her minute achievement or whenever he is down, slow and quiet. Ask the reason for being down, quiet, or lazy. Then council. If he is not responding to your question. Don’t pressure him, give him time to accept these new changes. Just hug and start condolence.

• It’s all right
• Everything will be fine
• I am always at your side
• You can share
• Trust me

But again don’t force for explanation. Studies prove that a mother’s hug for 20 seconds exerts a kind of vibration that gives a soothing and relaxing feeling to the child and drives out all negative feelings. It would be on point, if I quote it this way, “A Mother’s hug a day keeps the anxiety away”.

Secret Friend:

Second-hand knowledge or guidance and negative friendship both are hazardous. Why don’t we guide the child indirectly to a friend who is trustworthy, experienced, and can show power to you?

Strange and shocking, isn’t it? Yes, this is the thing that gives a child strength, security, and fun in their life that a parent can be scolded by someone. But How are you going to do it? By being smart,

that’s an idea that parents have to implement or penetrate into the child’s mind.

Are you going to complain about me to Grandma / Grandpa?

By doing this, you are guiding the child to the right companion to whom he can share his secrets, take a piece of advice, and complain about the problems, difficulties, and even about you. The most reliable, trustworthy source and a unit with whom you can work together for the betterment of a child.

Minimize Gadget’s Use:

Gadgets are working as the worst nightmare for both parents and kids. Spending time on gadgets lows down blood pressure, ruins body posture, and increases anxiety.

How? Sitting all day long stops blood circulation resulting in a sour body, exhaustion, and the constant low head posture leads to a curvy backbone. Last but not least, weak eyesight.

Apart from that the gadget’s use has adverse psychological effects on young minds. The content is centered around violent themes like fighting games, and movies promoting jealousy, hatred, and revenge that gives birth to “Heroism”.

Moreover, studies show that spending time in a particular atmosphere promotes a child to mimic the same scenario in real world.

A small example will clarify that easily. If a child is playing a fighting game. The Mom tells Dad,” You forget to bring milk and bread”. The Dad responds, “I am tired but I’ll bring it an hour later”. This is a normal discussion but as the kid is busy playing a killing and fighting game. The message he received from his brain is that your parents are quarreling.

Discussion:

Friendly and positive discussions increase self-esteem, speaking power, trust, liveliness, strength, freedom, and security. It is observed that the kids involved in communication with parents and their siblings tend to be positive, kind, full of new ideas, able to take risks, and enjoy life more.

It was the habit of our elders that they sat together at lunch or dinner. They used to discuss, talk, and crack jokes with the entire family bonding over the small joys of life. But due to the extremely tough schedule of this generation, we abandoned this habit. This led to a decline in healthy family affairs. As people became engrossed in spending time more with gadgets instead of friends and family.

Conclusion:

Lacking confidence is not a disease but it can turn into life-time misery. If it is not cured and treated. Making decisions, facing challenges, and solving problems, seem monstrous. But a changing bit of lifestyle, some attitudes, and attributes may lead to the ability to be a leader, an ideal person, or a role model.